


Valentines

by ArabellaTurner



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon - Book, Canon - Musical, Canon Compliant, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-25 02:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17716694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: Back in middle school, Jared wrote a love letter to Evan he had no intentions of ever showing to anyone.Now in college, Jared’s letter finds its way online. Could this possibly be the spark needed to reunite Jared and Evan or will Jared just blow things all over again?**Also, for anyone wondering why this was updated again, I was reading through it and realized somehow I missed an entire chapter while posting. Chapter 8 is the new one. I don’t know how that happened...**





	1. Love letter

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be just a little Valentine’s Day one off, maybe 2,000 words tops. But I got sort of into it and it got a lot longer. I am still working on my other fics, but my goal right now is to have this posted in completion by Valentine’s Day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared writes a love letter to Evan.

* * *

_My darling,_

_Your smile brings light to my life. Your laugh makes my heart flutter. Just being near you makes me the happiest person alive. I wish I had the courage to tell you this in person, but whenever I’m around you, my courage fades away. I love you with every fiber of my being and I dream of you each night._

_Forever yours, Your secret admirer_

Jared looked sadly down at the Valentine he had just written and wondered if he had the courage to ever give it to Evan. He snorted. Like hell he would! Even without either of their names on the letter, Jared knew that he would never be able to share his feelings like this.

There was no doubt in his mind that he loved Evan. It still weirded him out that he was attracted to another boy, but he didn’t really care if it was Evan. Evan made him so insanely happy. Only he could never say that. He was too much of a coward.

Jared made his way over to his mirror and stared at himself in disgust. He knew that supposedly no middle schooler was actually cool, but he was pretty sure that he was the definition of a loser. He was short and chubby with greasy hair, acne, and crooked teeth. It was a wonder that someone as cute as Evan would even look his way.

He knew that it was probably just because Evan’s anxiety made it really hard for him to meet other people. Since their families were friends, Jared was a built in friend for Evan. They were “family friends” as he had taken to calling them; two people who could hang out because they didn’t have to worry about the other one ever leaving them.

And that was Jared’s main dilemma. He didn’t want to delude himself into thinking that Evan had the same feelings he did. He was just the easiest option for Evan and he had to remember that. If he let himself think that they were anything more than “family friends,” he was certain to get hurt.

Jared had gotten hurt before. When he was ten years old, he went to his first summer camp. He had been so excited. He really thought that he was going to have a ton of fun. Instead he found himself in tears by the end of the first week. His mom told him not to worry. “Kids can be mean. You are an amazing person, Jared!” It didn’t make him feel any better.

He realized then and there how different it was to be around people who had to be nice to him and people who had the choice. He was a loser and a loner and nothing was going to change that. The rest of camp, Jared built up a wall of sarcasm around himself. It was something he was always good at, but now it became his defense mechanism as well.

The next school year he started bullying Evan. It wasn’t really a conscience choice. He would just feel self-conscience about something and suddenly lash out. But poor Evan stayed by his side regardless. And somehow that only hurt Jared more.

Now he knew that Evan didn’t stay by his side because he liked him. There was no way that he could like him now. So Jared kept him at an arm’s length away. He told both of them over and over again that they weren’t really friends, yet he never stopped believing that they were. And somewhere along the lines, instead of losing his desire to be around Evan, Jared fell in love.

And now here he was, writing Valentines he would never send. As Jared stood staring at himself in the mirror, he heard a knock on his door. Panicking, he crumpled the letter up and shoved it in his pocket. A few seconds later his mom came in to check on his homework progress. He wished she wouldn’t do that, but to be fair to her, he hadn’t actually finished it yet. Sighing, Jared got back to work and shoved Evan to the back of his mind.


	2. Valentine’s Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jared accidentally drops his letter, it is picked up by nine other than Evan Hansen. How can Jared get himself out of this mess without creating a bigger one?

The next morning Jared woke up with a groan. It was Valentine’s Day, the perfect time to be reminded that no one at school liked him. He figured that Evan might get him some sort of chocolate, he usually did, but he assumed it was more out of a sense of obligation than an actual act of kindness.

Not that Evan wasn’t kind. Jared supposed it could also just be because Evan was such a kind person, that he willing chose to give chocolate to even a family friend who constantly bullied him. Either way, it still wasn’t what Jared was looking for.

Sighing, he grabbed some clothes from his floor and finished getting ready. After getting dropped off at school, Jared made his way to his locker. Just as he expected, there were no notes slipped in there. All around him, he saw other kids happily chatting away. Some had valentines and some didn’t, but everyone seemed to have at least one friend.

Miserably, Jared shut his locker and found himself face to face with Evan, who was nervously playing with the hem of his shirt. “H-hi Jared,” he said softly. “Hey Evan,” Jared responded dryly. Evan silently held out one of those candy packets with a “to” and “from” label on it. Jared smiled a little despite himself as he took the candy and shoved it in his pocket, causing the note in there to fall out. “Thanks,” he said. Evan smiled at him in return.

The smile caused his heart to ache and he quickly turned away to walk to class, unaware that the note had fallen. Evan bent to pick it up, but by the time he stood back up, Jared was gone.

Evan carefully uncrumpled the piece of paper. He figured if it was just trash then there was no point in returning it to Jared. His eyes grew wide when he read it. It was a love letter, in Jared’s handwriting. Evan felt his heart race. He couldn’t believe Jared had something like this. Who was it for?

He wondered how he was going to give it back. Would it be okay if he just handed it to Jared? Should he try to sneak it back? He could just say that he picked it up and didn’t look at it. Jared would probably believe that.

At lunch, Evan sat down beside Jared. “I-I t-think you d-dropped t-this,” Evan stuttered. He looked absolutely terrified. Jared looked down at the piece of paper crumpled up in Evan’s hand and his face turned white. “Did you read it?!” He demanded. Evan stared at Jared in horror. “N-no,” he lied, shaking his head quickly. “Don’t lie to me, Evan,” Jared snapped.

Evan’s face fell. “I wasn’t sure if it was trash or not, and I didn’t want to bother you if it was. I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to see it!” Jared looked at Evan. He looked ready to cry. He thought desperately for how he could play this off. He would never be able to live it down if he told Evan he wrote the letter, even if he didn’t say who he wrote it for. Eventually he settled for the only idea that popped into his head. He knew it was a long shot, but what else could he do?

“I found it in my locker this morning. It’s way too mushy for someone like me though. I would never want to date anyone that clingy! I’m more a physical kind of guy myself.” Jared beamed up at Evan, wiggling his eyebrows at the implications. Evan looked at Jared in confusion. The note was clearly written in his handwriting. Did he really expect him to buy that?

Yet Evan didn’t have the heart to argue. Either Jared had written the note to some girl he didn’t plan on giving it to, or he wrote it as a fake Valentine to himself and planned on showing it off. Both were depressing options. 

Evan felt bad for his family friend. He wished he knew some way to help him, but he had absolutely no idea who Jared might have a crush on and no idea how to boost his confidence other than to agree with him.

Evan smiled weakly. “That’s really cool, Jared. It’s a shame she isn’t your type though. I wish any girls would notice me!” he managed to reply. Jared grinned back at Evan, his heart aching. “What can I say? I can’t help it how much cooler I am!” Evan smiled weakly again. The two of them ate the rest of their lunch in silence.

That night Jared took the letter, tore it apart, and threw it out. A few minutes later he fished it out of the trash, taped it up, and hid it in his sock drawer. It was a reminder to himself. He had almost let a vulnerable part of himself show and made a fool out of himself to brush it off. He swore he would never do something so stupid again.


	3. Nothing has changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Jared finds himself alone on Valentine’s Day. Miserable and drunk, he reminisces on the letter he never gave to Evan.

Jared almost stayed true to his promise, but senior year he found himself writing more letters to Evan. Now technically, they were something completely different this time, but they still held a large amount of Jared’s feelings. At least this time he convinced himself he had an excuse.

Not that the excuse protected him at all. By the end of it, his friendship with Evan was completely shattered and his heart along with it. The last real conversation he and Evan had ended with him screaming “Fuck you Evan, asshole!” Since then they had barely spoken to one another, and any real semblance of friendship was completely gone.

So now Jared sat alone in his dorm room, nursing a bottle of rum. His roommate was out with his girlfriend, a normal thing to be doing on Valentine’s Day. 

Jared wasn’t really sure why he bothered feeling sorry for himself. He wasn’t even out yet, so how on earth was he going to find a date? Not to mention the fact that he was still not at all over Evan. Sighing, he placed his head in his hands and accidentally knocked the bottle to the ground. Cursing, he scrambled to clean up the broken glass and spilled rum.

Tossing the bottle shards aside, Jared rummaged through his drawers to find something else to drink. Instead, he found an old piece of paper, faded, crumpled, and held together with tape.

Pulling it out, Jared stared sadly at the love letter he never had the courage to send. The worst part was that it was all still true. Evan still haunted his dreams and left a longing in his heart.

He was such a coward. He hadn’t even managed to address the stupid thing to Evan. Tearing up, Jared grabbed a pen from his desk and crossed out “my darling,” and wrote “Dear Evan Hansen” at the top. He did the same for the bottom, crossing off “forever yours, your secret admirer,” and replacing it with “sincerely, me.”

He laughed at his stupidity. This letter was the net sum of everything wrong with him. Clearly Evan was never going to see it. There was absolutely no chance that Jared would ever have the guts to tell him any of this. 

He laughed harder, fighting against the pain, desperation, and nausea. Unfortunately the nausea eventually won out. Between the alcohol, the depression, and the violent laughter, Jared’s stomach had reached its limit. He didn’t make it to his trash can before wretching everywhere.

Miserable, drunk, and exhausted, Jared didn’t bother to clean it up. Instead he grabbed the letter and collapsed on his bed. A few minutes later he was fast asleep.


	4. Posting pictures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared’s roommate comes back and is disgusted by the state of their room. Already annoyed at Jared, things do not go well when he discovers Jared’s letter.

Two hours later, the door to Jared’s room opened as his roommate and girlfriend entered. Almost immediately, they began to choke on the smell. Frowning in disgust, Jared’s roommate, Alex, took note of the puke on the ground, the broken bottle in the trash, and the sleeping Jared on his bed. 

Alex turned to his girlfriend. “So do you want to go back to your place instead?” She shook her head. “I can’t, Alex. We won’t have any privacy there. I think this is just going to have to wait. The smell has sort of turned me off anyways. I’m sorry about that. Good luck dealing with him though!”

Alex’s girlfriend similed apologetically, kissed him on the cheek, then left. Pissed off, Alex stormed over to Jared and shook him, but that only caused Jared to moan. “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Alex snarled. He went around the room snapping pictures so he could complain to Jared later. He then went back over to the bed and tried shaking Jared one more time.

This time the shaking caused Jared to drop the note. Curious, Alex picked it up and examined it. It was certainly an odd thing to find someone clutching in their sleep.

Laughing bitterly, Alex snapped a picture of that as well. If Jared was going to ruin his night like this, he might as well ruin Jared’s as well. Half an hour later, Alex was situated in a friend’s dorm room and pressing post. He had a feeling that Jared was going to regret screwing him over now!

————

A couple of hours later, Jared woke up to a horrible smell. He felt like total shit, but forced himself to sit up. He noticed the letter on the ground and quickly snatched it up. He was glad Alex hadn’t come back yet. There was no way that conversation was going to end well. Groaning, Jared began to clean up his puke. 

The next morning Alex returned to find the room cleaned and Jared once again fast asleep. The note was nowhere to be found. For a second Alex felt a little bad. At least Jared had attempted to fix things. He quickly dismissed those feelings though. It was too little too late and didn’t change the fact that Jared ruined his night the night before.

Jared woke up again a few hours later. He still felt horrible, but at least the room smelled like cleaning chemicals and not puke now. He noticed that Alex had returned at some point and was glad he was able to clean up before he did. Groaning, he slowly made his way to the shower.

————

Now usually a post like Alex’s would get a few likes, a few comments, and maybe a post or two about it on reddit. It could get some traction, but it wouldn’t become viral or anything close to that. What made Alex’s post a little different than most like it was the writing Jared had recently added to the letter. Someone noticed the format it followed and before long people were talking.

Alex’s roommate was Jared Kleinman. Wait, wasn’t Jared Kleinman the treasurer of the Connor Project? That meant this Evan Hansen was the one from the Connor Project, right? But wasn’t it really cruel to address a love letter with the format of Connor’s letters? Like what sort of person would try to imitate someone’s dead best friend in a confession?

It didn’t take long before the letter had gone viral and it didn’t take much more time before Evan himself had seen it. Intrigued by the sudden surge of activity around the Connor Project, Evan found himself staring at the letter and wondering what on earth was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a little bit more written, but it’s not yet ready to get published (I typically like to have 2 chapters beyond what I have published so that I can go back a little to make changes necessary for consistency). I am really hoping to get this out by Valentine’s Day, but I will be pretty busy this week. Here’s to hoping though!


	5. Confrontations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan takes stock of the public reaction to Jared’s letter while Jared goes to confront Alex.

Evan recognized it immediately. It was the love letter Jared had written back in middle school. But now there were new additions that both confused and scared him. Not to mention the public response.

Even though Evan didn’t understand why Jared had changed the start and end of his letter or what it meant, he knew that this wasn’t something that was supposed to be public. He also knew that he was sick of people getting angry about stuff they knew nothing about.

While this was not anywhere near as bad as watching the Murphy’s get death threats due to his therapy letter, it was still painful to see people bashing on Jared. What he did was weird for sure, but Evan sort of understood. It was something Jared had written over and over again. Those words belonged to him in a way no one but the two of them would ever understand.

But even if they didn’t understand, Evan realized he couldn’t stand for this. He wasn’t sure if Jared had even realized his letter was online. He didn’t know if it was a joke, a drunken moment of confusion, or a true sentiment, but it didn’t matter the reason why. People were saying horrible things about Evan’s former family friend and he wasn’t going to sit back and let it happen.

Even though he left the Connor Project, Evan still retained admin access to the website. A few minutes later, he hit post on his rant. He didn’t have the courage to say anything last time, but he hoped he could at least protect Jared before things got any worse.

————

After he got out of the shower and got dressed, Jared grabbed his phone. Much to his surprise, he had a lot of Facebook messages. Intrigued and a little excited, he quickly checked them. His excitement immediately faded when he realized what happened. A quick check of Alex’s page confirmed his theory. 

Fighting back the tears, he went in search of his roommate. Twenty minutes later, he found him having breakfast in a dining hall. He stormed up and slammed him phone on the table. “What the fuck is the meaning of your post last night?!” Jared demanded. “I don’t know. Why was there alcohol and puke everywhere in our room last night? My girlfriend was so disgusted by the smell, she wouldn’t even come in! I figured if there were consequences for you then maybe next time you would think twice before you fucked me over!”

Jared felt his anger drain a bit. Apparently his actions had hurt Alex too. He sighed and sat down. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean to ruin your night.” Alex sighed too. “Fine. I’ll delete the post. Just don’t be an asshole again and clean up your shit!” Jared smiled weakly. “Thanks man.” 

Although he was still pissed about Jared’s actions the night before, all morning Alex had been toying with the idea of taking the post down. In hindsight he could see that he had overreacted a bit. But now as navigated to his Facebook, his heart sank when he saw the comments on his post. He hadn’t really been paying attention to what was happening with it. No wonder Jared was so upset. He quickly deleted it. He certainly felt like an asshole now.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry, Jared. I didn’t realize the implications of the letter. Not that that gives me an excuse for fucking up your personal life.” Jared sighed. He had expected to get into a fight with Alex, but instead he just seemed to feel bad. “It’s okay,” Jared eventually replied. “I’m sorry I ruined your night last night. I promise to be more considerate in the future.” “Yeah, well I promise to try cooling down before doing anything so rash in the future. And also to maybe not be such a dick in general.” 

He smiled weakly at Jared and held out a hand. “Friends?” he asked a little uncomfortably. Jared stared down at Alex’s hand. He had never really contemplated the idea of them being friends before, but maybe it was possible. Even if he had hurt him, Alex had never really seemed to be a bad guy. He just always ran in different circles than Jared. At least he had deleted the post. Sighing, Jared took the hand and shook it. “Friends,” he agreed. 

Well, Jared supposed that was one problem out of the way. Now he just had to hope and pray that somehow Evan wouldn’t stumble across the conversations. Hopefully with the original post gone, it would all die down soon.


	6. Evan’s response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While looking into the backlash, Alex stumbles across Evan’s response to the letter.

Unfortunately it didn’t die down. Even with the post gone, Jared’s phone still blew up. Alex made a new post telling people to leave Jared alone, but it didn’t really help.

“So what exactly is the deal with the letter anyways?” Alex asked from across the room. Now that he and Jared had talked everything over a bit, Alex was determined to help make things right.

“The problem is that I copied the format of the letters Evan and Connor wrote to each other,” Jared responded. “This is from the Connor Project thing, right?” Alex asked. Jared nodded in confirmation. “Why did you do that?” Alex pressed further. Jared sighed. “It’s a long story.” Alex nodded, accepting that Jared wasn’t going to tell him.

He made his way to the Connor Project website to learn a little bit more about it. His eyes grew wide when he read the latest post. “Jared! Look at this!” He ran across the room and practically shoved his laptop into Jared’s lap. Jared felt his throat grow dry and his heartbeat accelerate as he read it.

**Hello everyone. I wanted to thank you for your concern. I understand that this is a sensitive matter and that the contents of that letter are maybe a little confusing. With that in mind, I ask that you please stop. I don’t know why Jared wrote that letter, but I don’t believe it was made to be public. The same way Connor’s letter was never meant to be public. I made a mistake when I said nothing back then and I’m not going to make that mistake again.**

**I appreciate your concern, but it’s not fair to Jared. I don’t want to see him getting attacked or abused like this. I didn’t want to see the Murphy’s get hurt either, but I didn’t stop it. I appreciate all of your concern, but I ask you to be kind. The Connor Project was created to build people up, not tear them down. From here on out, I will try my best to do my part, and I ask you to do yours. Thanks, Evan Hansen.**

Tears streamed down Jared’s face. He wordlessly handed the computer back to Alex. He felt so lost and confused. What did this mean? Was Evan really not upset about this? Why was he defending him?

Jared was jerked out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. “I’m going to head off to class now,” Alex said. “You should talk to him. I really think it will help. I’ll be around again this evening if you want to grab dinner with me or just talk a little.”

Jared smiled weakly up at his roommate. “Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll try talking. I guess it can’t make things worse!” Alex laughed and clapped Jared on the back. “That’s the spirt!” He waved goodbye as he shut the door, leaving Jared sitting alone on his bed.


	7. Words fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared finally works up the courage to call Evan, but still can’t find the right words to say.

Jared sat there for a few minutes just breathing. He reread Evan’s post a few times as well. He had been so certain that Evan was going to be mad at him. Why wouldn’t he be mad at him? How could he not be mad at him? Jared’s heart felt ready to burst. He longed to reach out and talk to Evan again, but he was so scared.

Alex seemed certain that the post was a sign that he should talk to Evan again, but he knew nothing about their relationship. Jared hadn’t really talked to his roommate much before and he certainly had never shared anything so private with him. 

But as he said earlier, could talking actually make things worse? He had hurt Evan so many times already. Maybe it was better to just come clean. There really wasn’t anything left to lose anymore. If he could at least answer Evan’s questions, he supposed that would be enough. Taking a deep breath, he navigated to Evan’s contact and hit call.

The call shifted into voicemail. Disappointed, Jared sent a text asking if he and Evan could talk. After five minutes with no response, he debated sending another one, but decided against it. It was possible that Evan was actually just doing stuff at the moment. He was going to community college and he did have a job. Just because Jared was sitting in bed, cutting class, didn’t mean that Evan was being equally as unproductive.

After an agonizing twenty more minutes had passed, Jared felt his phone buzz. He jumped in excitement and quickly answered. “Hello? Evan is that you?” he asked, not bothering to check who was actually calling. “H-hi Jared,” Evan said nervously. “Evan,” Jared whispered. He could barely contain his joy. Just hearing Evan’s voice again set his heart alight.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer right away,” Evan continued. “I was in class when you called.” Jared smiled a little. “Please don’t worry about it. Thanks for calling me back. I know you don’t really have any reason to want to talk to me right now, so I really appreciate you doing it anyways.”

Evan felt his face grow red. Was this really Jared he was talking to? These weren’t the words he expected to hear from his former family friend. Yet he welcomed them wholeheartedly. Hearing Jared speak so honestly and kindly to him was a wonderful feeling. He wondered just what had happened that they were talking together like this.

“It’s fine. I’m glad you reached out. I saw your letter. I’m sorry it was posted like that.” Evan looked down. He understood how it felt to have something sensitive like that posted without permission. “Don’t worry about it,” Jared assured him, interrupting his thoughts. “It’s true that I didn’t want it to be posted, but what’s done is done now. I saw your post though. It made me cry.” Evan grew pale. “Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Jared let out a sad laugh. “You didn’t hurt me, Evan. What you said made me so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that happy or loved before.”

Evan felt his throat grow tight. Jared had never felt happier or more loved than when he read his words? There was really nothing happier in his life? Evan had always thought his own life to be sort of sad and empty, but even he had moments of true joy. Had Jared really not? 

“I’m so sorry,” Evan whispered. “Why?” Jared asked, confused. “You did nothing wrong. You were so insanely kind to me, Evan. I really don’t deserve someone like you in my life.” Evan shook his head. “That’s not true!” he shouted. “You deserve kindness just as much as anyone else! How can you honestly believe you don’t deserve something as basic as that?” Evan was shaking. Was this really how Jared felt? Was he really this empty and lonely? 

Jared had no idea how to respond. He wasn’t sure he even knew how to formulate words anymore. After everything that happened between them, he didn’t deserve such kindness. 

He remembered how he used to tell himself that Evan only hung out with him because he had no one else. He knew now that was wrong. For some reason, Evan actually cared about him. He didn’t know how it was possible, but it made him feel lightheaded and confused. Part of him wanted to reach out, grab Evan, and pull him close, but part of him wanted to tell Evan to run away from a monster like himself. What was he supposed to do now?

“Jared.” Evan’s soft voice snapped Jared back to reality. “Please, just talk to me. I want to know what’s going on. Just let me in.” Tears streamed down Jared’s cheeks. Now was his chance; he could tell Evan everything. Only he still couldn’t manage to form words. 

From the other end of the phone, Evan could hear Jared gasping and choking. It was clear he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Once again, Evan could relate. He also knew what it felt like to be at a complete loss of words. It was probably a lot harder for Jared over the phone too. “It’s okay, Jared. You don’t have to force yourself right now. I have to leave for work in half an hour anyways. Why don’t we try again tonight? I’ll be back around 8.” “Okay. Thanks Evan,” Jared eventually forced out. It was a little easier to talk now that some of the pressure was removed.

“I can stay on the phone with you until I need to go, if you want. We don’t need to talk about anything important.” Jared smiled. “Can you tell me about trees?” he asked. “Are you making fun of me?” There didn’t seem to be any malice in Jared’s request, but it was hard to tell. “No. I actually just like hearing you talk about them. You always sound so happy when you do!” Evan laughed. “Sounds good. Okay, so last week I was taking a walk and...”

Half an hour later, Jared was quite a bit more knowledgeable in Dendrology and a lot more at ease than he had been before. Part of him knew that he was just putting his problems off, but at least now he had time to think. Evan’s kindness had really thrown him for a loop earlier. Now at least he would be prepared for it.


	8. Preparing to communicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Alex talk while Alana reaches out to Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So somehow I apparently just missed posting a chapter? I have no idea how I did that. I guess the story still flowed okay without it, but I’m really not sure what happened here...

After parting ways with Jared, Evan checked his messages. Jared had not been the only one to reach out to him over his post. Evan knew that since he had stepped down from his position as co-president, he didn’t really have the right to be posting on the Connor Project website. He was glad that Alana hadn’t taken his post down, but he was rather worried about her request that he call her.

Obviously that was not something that he was going to be able to do at the moment. His shift started in twenty minutes, then he planned on talking to Jared again later that night. The idea that the two of them were going to try and work stuff out was still a little crazy to him, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited by it. He really missed his family friend and hoped that they could maybe start talking again.

Taking a deep breath, Evan sent a text message back to Alana stating that he would be able to talk to her the next day. A few minutes later, he got a text back from her saying that was fine and asking him what time he was free.

Another few minutes later, Evan had one more phone call scheduled. Running, he just made it to his shift on time. He had a feeling that he was going to be pretty distracted for the rest of the day and didn’t want to preemptively get in trouble before he had even started working!

————

For his part, Jared decided to head to his last two classes of the day before taking Alex up on his offer for dinner. He figured it was better to clear his head and talk to someone than be left alone with his thoughts. 

Alex was thrilled when he heard that Jared had made contact with Evan and quickly assured him that this was a good sign. It didn’t really do much to calm Jared down though. He still had no idea where to even start with his apology. He debated asking Alex for advice, but eventually decided against it.

They were having fun at the moment, but there were still really just strangers when it came down to it. Jared had a lot of baggage with Evan and it wasn’t something he could just carelessly bring up.

As the evening wore on, Jared found himself fidgeting more and more. He wondered how Evan was holding up on his end. Alex’s company did little to calm Jared’s nerves, and he eventually decided that he just needed to be alone with his thoughts for a little bit.

“So you know how Evan and I were going to talk again tonight?” Jared asked Alex. “Well, I figured I could find a quiet place for a few hours and go there. That would leave the room empty if you wanted to, you know...” he trailed off, embarrassed. There was no reason why Alex couldn’t make good use of the room if he was going to be out anyways. 

Alex smiled at his roommate. “You really are a dork, you know that Jared?” Jared grinned sheepishly. “I appreciate it though. And here, it’s room 203.” Alex tossed Jared a key. Jared looked down at it in confusion. “It’s one of the soundproof music practice rooms. I figured you might want a private place for your conversation and this should be more private than our dorm room, even if I leave.”

Jared looked at Alex, still really confused. Alex smiled back at him. “You did know that I play the French horn, right?” Jared shook his head in shock. “I thought you were cool! How does a band geek manage to date hot girls and go to parties?” Alex laughed. “I’m not some character in a bad teen movie, Jared. I do have a personality and life outside of ‘dating hot girls’! Now go talk to your true love. I’m sure he’s as eager as you are!”

Jared turned bright red and stuttered a bit. Nobody had ever vocalized his feelings for Evan like that before. Eventually he managed to find his voice again though. “I’ll have to hear you play some time,” he promised Alex. “Thank you for the quiet place.” 

Alex grinned. “Just don’t jerk off in there, okay?” Jared grinned back, a little bit of his mischievous side popping back up. “Only if you don’t have sex on my bed!” Alex threw a pillow at him. “Get out of here dork!” Jared tossed the pillow back. “See you, band geek!” They both laughed again as they parted ways. 

Jared was still terrified to talk to Evan, but he was a little more confident than he was earlier. He was still somewhat confused by his relationship with Alex, but that was a problem for another day. As was the remaining backlash to his letter. For now the only truly important think in Jared’s life was Evan Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don’t know how I missed posting this. It’s not the most important chapter plot-wise, but I sort of weirdly likeSlex more than I should, so I feel bad about cutting out some of his characterization! I hope that posting this clarified anything that didn’t make sense to you!


	9. Let’s start with an apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan finally start talking in earnest.

Once Jared made it to the practice room, he pulled out his laptop and opened up Skype. He was really looking forward to seeing Evan’s face again. He hoped that he looked okay. He had combed his hair and changed his shirt, but he didn’t want to go overboard. 

A few seconds later, the somewhat pixelated face of Evan Hansen appeared before him. Jared smiled as the video stabilized and Evan appeared more clearly. Damn, he looked good, even in his Pottery Barn uniform. “If all the employees look the way you do, it’s a wonder that Pottery Barn isn’t constantly full of teenaged girls,” Jared heard himself say.

Evan turned red. “I’m not really sure if I should be insulted that was how you chose to start our conversation, or flattered by the compliment,” he said with a smile. Jared grinned back at him. “Cut me some slack! Humor is my one line of defense. At least my comment wasn’t mean!” 

Evan smiled once more at his family friend. “So maybe there was some strategy to that opening line after all. So, where did you want to start?” Jared examined Evan’s face a little. His words were surprisingly calm and even a little snarky, but he was clearly sweating and although his hands were off-camera, the ways his arms moved indicated that he was playing with his shirt again.

It was clear to Jared that Evan was putting a lot of effort into this call. He hoped that at least part of Evan’s new confidence was real, but there was obviously a degree to which he was just faking it. It made Jared feel really good to see Evan putting so much effort into this, but he didn’t want him to feel like he had to push himself.

“Let’s start with an apology,” Jared finally replied. “Let’s start with me admitting that I was wrong and that I messed up and hurt you many, many times. I made fun of you and belittled you. I pretended like I didn’t value our friendship or even really see you as a friend. I let my own fears and insecurities get in the way of a healthy relationship, and I am so sorry for it. You mean the world to me, Evan and you always will. I’m sorry I never told you how I really felt and I’m sorry you had to find it out in such an odd way.”

Evan felt his face grow red again. “So that love letter...” he trailed off, too embarrassed to finish the question. “It was for you, Evan. Well, I never had any plans of giving it to you, but you were the one I wrote it to. And to answer your next question, I’m gay and have been for a long time now. I was just too insecure to come out, but I don’t think I have to worry about that now...” Evan laughed a little, trying his best to make sense of the emotions flowing through him. It was a weird mix of pain, fear, disbelief, anger, and joy.

He felt overwhelmed and scared by what Jared had told him. All this time he thought Jared hated him, or at least only liked him because he had nobody else. Then the letter came out and Evan had spent hours trying to figure out what it meant. And now Jared was supposedly confirming one of Evan’s craziest theories. Was this all actually real? Was Jared really in love with him?

“Just to clarify, I’m not looking for a response to my love letter. I don’t need to know if you love me or not because the answer is clearly no. I would love to think that one day that could maybe change, but right now there is just no way. And I wouldn’t be happy if you said you did. After everything I did to you, you deserve someone better. But I do want to become someone better. And not just to earn your love. If I could repair our friendship, that would be more than enough for me. If I could just ease some of your pain, that would at least be something.”

Evan sat still as the hot tears ran down his cheeks. Jared was right that he didn’t return his feelings, but he did really want to try to make their friendship work again. “I want to restore our friendship too,” he finally said. “I’ve missed my one and only family friend since we fell out. I’d love to be able to fill that hole once more.”

Jared chuckled a little sadly. “I see I am never going to live that name down, am I? I’m almost afraid to admit that my parents never paid for my car insurance. It’s clear that there’s a lot of things we need to talk about and clear up before we can try again. For now though, would you be okay dropping the ‘family’ part of ‘family friends’? I know that is technically a correct label for us, but it’s not the one I want to go with.”

Evan smiled at his fa-, at his friend. “Sure. That’s an easy enough place to start. And I have nowhere I need to be for the rest of the night. I know you said we had a lot to talk about and I think I’m ready to start.” Jared nodded. “Let me know if it gets to be too much for you at any point.” “I will,” Evan promised.


	10. Hurdles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan part ways reflect a little on their lives so far. Jared’s is starting to look up, but Evan still has some hurdles in his way.

Evan and Jared spent the next five hours talking. There were probably a lot of things they missed in the conversation, but that was okay. There was a lot of ground that they did cover. By the time they were saying goodbye, both of their faces were puffy and red from all the crying, but both of their hearts also felt a lot lighter than they had before. 

It was a nice feeling for Evan to think that there was someone out there who valued him so much. Much to his delight, this conversation of theirs wasn’t going to be some one time thing. Sure, it was unlikely they would spend over five hours talking again any time soon, but they promised to start texting, calling, and Skyping on a regular basis. They also promised to be honest with each other from now on. Although they couldn’t promise they would tell each other every little thing that they were thinking or feeling, they swore that within reason, there would be no more secrets or lies between them. 

It was still a bit of a scary thought to both of them to be so open with their feelings, but they really wanted to try. Both young men had lost a piece of themselves when their friendship broke off and now they felt like that piece was starting to be restored.

————

Jared returned to his room as quietly as possible so as not to wake Alex. It turned out he didn’t need to worry, since Alex was still wide awake. He claimed that he had just finished up with his girlfriend, but it was obvious that he had waited up for Jared to return. In fact, given that Alex was still wearing the all of his clothes from earlier, Jared wasn’t sure that his girlfriend had even come over.

Alex needed only to look at Jared’s face to know that things had gone well. He had no intentions of prying and he didn’t really have a close enough relationship with Jared to hug him, but he was still thrilled to see him so happy. 

Wordlessly, Jared gave Alex a thumbs up before kicking off his shoes and collapsing into his bed, fully clothed. He was too exhausted to do anything else. A few minutes later he was fast asleep. Alex smiled as he pulled a blanket over Jared and turned off the light. He knew he hadn’t made things right yet, but at least something good had come of his selfish mistake.

————

That night, Evan did not sleep well. He was extremely happy from his conversation with Jared, but it was also rather overwhelming. A part of him still wasn’t completely convinced that it was real. He was also scared to talk to Alana the next morning. And then there was Zoe. He was really scared by what Zoe would think of his post. He had mentioned how he failed to support her and her family in it. He wondered if she would be happy to see him apologize or angry to be reminded of the painful time. 

Consumed by these thoughts, Evan lay awake in his bed worrying until eventually he wore himself out and fell into fitful sleep. When he woke up again the next morning, he was insanely grateful that he didn’t have a shift that day. Just forcing himself to class was going to be hard enough.

Somehow Evan did force himself through a few hours of class. He wasn’t sure how much attention he was actually paying, but it probably wasn’t any less than the day before. When his classes were finally done, Evan made his way back into his room and called Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’ve written a bit more and worked on scoping/planning a bit more. I do still want to finish this by Valentine’s Day, but this will be a busy week for me and this story is getting progressively longer and I don’t want the quality to drop from rushing to finish it. I didn’t mean for it to be another lengthy saga, but that’s what it’s turning into. I also didn’t mean to make Alex a legitimate character in this, but somehow he is. Thanks for your paitence everyone!


	11. Without permission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Alana talk about what happened during the Connor Project and with Connor’s suicide note.

Alana had been sitting at her desk, phone ready for fifteen minutes before Evan called. She knew that she started waiting a little early, but Evan’s call came five minutes late. She debated calling him herself, but she didn’t want to make him feel even more uncomfortable. She was the one who asked to talk, so it was only fair she let him make the call on his terms.

When her phone did finally start ringing, Alana quickly picked it up. “Good afternoon, Evan!” she said cheerfully. “How are you doing?” She hoped that her words sounded convincing and weren’t too over the top. 

Lately she had become more aware of how people tended to view her as phony. It was true that she was never as cheerful as she pretended to be, but it wasn’t because she was a fake person. She didn’t talk about people behind their backs or try to manipulate others. She just wanted to hide away her imperfections.

She was working little by little on being more open and honest. She had some friends at school she could talk to who had helped her to find her real voice, even if only a little. Only Evan had never heard that voice before. The Alana he knew was the incessantly cheerful one. Alana didn’t want to alarm him by sounding as stressed as she was feeling, so she opted to put her mask back on.

————

“H-hi, Alana,” Evan said softly. He hated how uncomfortable he immediately became. He swore that he could actually hold a conversation now, but it never felt that way whenever he started a phone call. “I’m doing okay. How are you?” He heard Alana take a deep breath from the other end.

“I’m doing okay too. I wanted to talk to you about your post on the Connor Project website yesterday.” Evan felt himself fill with dread. He hoped he was ready to fight for it. He knew that he shouldn’t have made the post without permission, but he didn’t want to take it down.

Evan frowned when he realized that Alana had gone silent. “Alana?” he asked nervously. He heard Alana take another deep breath. “So about your post from yesterday, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.” Evan’s eyes grew wide in shock. “I read what you said, and I realized I never truly apologized to you, so I’m sorry.” 

The apology hung thick in the air. Neither Evan nor Alana seemed to know what to say anymore. Finally Evan broke the silence. “Um, not to be rude or anything, but what are you apologizing for?” he asked nervously. He didn’t want to insult Alana by implying her actions or feelings were unimportant to him, but he genuinely wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for.

Alana felt her heart sink. Poor Evan! Had his opinion and desires really been trampled on so many times that her actions didn’t stand out to him? Or maybe Evan had just dealt with so much pain that her mistake was eclipsed by other problems. Either way, Alana felt horrible.

“I’m apologizing for posting Connor’s suicide note after you asked me not to. I really was only trying to help, but you didn’t want me to do it and I ignored your wishes. Things turned out badly and people got hurt. Sure, we raised the money, but that wasn’t the real purpose of the Connor Project. I should have respected your wishes Evan, and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

Tears streamed down Alana’s cheeks. She felt bad about the public response immediately after she posted the letter, but back then she had convinced herself she had done the right thing, or at least that she wasn’t in the wrong. It was clear now that she was. Neither of these letters should have ever made it online. Words like that were not meant for the public eye. 

Once again, the two of them lapsed into silence. Eventually Alana though she heard Evan say something, but she wasn’t sure what. “I’m sorry, I didnt catch what you just said,” she admitted, hoping he would repeate it. “I didn’t say anything important,” Evan replied. “I’m not really sure what I should say.” 

Alana sniffled at his words. “You don’t need to say anything, Evan. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fault that the Murphy’s were attacked and it was my responsibility to fix it, which I never did. The fact that you acted now but not then, does not make you seem like a bad person. It just means you found the courage to say what you couldn’t before. I’m glad that you stood up for Jared. I’ve never really been all that close to him, but that doesn’t mean I want to see him suffer either.”

Now Evan was crying as well. “That’s not true though. You said I didn’t do anything wrong, but I did! I...” Evan quickly stopped himself before he said anything more, but it was already too late. Alana laughed bitterly. “It’s true then, isn’t it? That letter was yours, wasn’t it?” Evan’s eyes grew wide in horror.

————

Alana had started to have her suspicions back during the Connor Project. The emails just didn’t really add up. The public stopped paying attention to that when the suicide note was released, but the inconsistencies were still there. Alana also knew that Evan had spoken to the Murphy’s shortly before resigning from the project. At the time she assumed it was because he just couldn’t handle the stress anymore, but dhe hadn’t been completely sure.

And now poor Evan was so distraught seeing Jared’s letter posted without his permission. He said that he was also really upset at the public reaction directed towards the Murphy’s, yet he hadn’t spoken up then. While Alana knew that at least part of it was simply because Evan didn’t yet have the confidence to say anything, she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe there was something else that had been going on.

“What do you mean,” Evan whispered, terrified of the answer. “It was never Connor’s suicide letter, was it? You were the one who wrote it,” Alana responded, gently. “Why would you think that?” Evan asked, even more terrified now. “Because you found the strength to defend Jared, but couldn’t with the Murphy’s. It’s because you didn’t know how to do it with them, right?

You couldn’t give the argument that would protect them without revealing the truth. Connor didn’t write the letter, you did. That would explain why the emails didn’t make sense and why you became less and less involved as time went on. It was a misunderstanding, wasn’t it? A horrible mistake that turned into a horrible lie and then became a web of lies you found yourself trapped in. 

I didn’t know for sure until now, but I had suspected that something was up for weeks before I eventually posted the letter. I should have just asked you then instead of constantly pushing you to just do more. You just wanted to help, didn’t you? I shouldn’t have tried to take so much control. If I just let you lead things, maybe we actually could have helped.”

Evan sobbed helplessly. “I’m sorry, Alana! I’m so sorry! I should never have dragged you into my lie! I didn’t mean to break everything! I really did want to help! But I was also selfish. I wanted to be a part of the Murphy family. I didn’t put enough effort into the Connor Project and I kept my lie going so I could benefit more. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m so sorry!”

“You did tell them, right?” Alana asked softly. “Yes,” Evan whispered in response. “I told them that day. It was all I could think to do. I didn’t know how to get people to leave them alone. I felt horrible about myself, but I didn’t know how to fix things. Honestly I still don’t know. Right now Jared is dealing with problems because people think that he was imitating my letters to Connor. If they just knew the truth, then they would leave him alone. Even now my lies are still popping up and hurting people!”

Alana’s eyes grew wide as she realized what Evan was implying. She didn’t think he realized what he had just told her and she wasn’t sure if she should mention it. She knew she shouldn’t act on her impulse though. No matter how annoyed she was that Jared had know the truth and still encouraged Evan to lie like that, she wasn’t going to call him up and get mad. This time she would make sure to get all the facts before making a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some love for Alana!


	12. Reaching out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana and Evan discuss then begin to take the next steps forward.

Taking a deep breath, Alana prepared herself for Evan’s reaction. “So Jared knew too, didn’t he?” Sure enough, Evan quickly realized that he had said too much and began to panic. “It’s okay. I’m not mad at either of you. I just want to understand what really happened.”

“It’s a bit of a long story,” Evan admitted. “I’m not really sure if it’s mine to tell. I can tell you that when the Murphy’s saw my letter and though Connor wrote it to me, I did go to Jared for help. I can also tell you that it wasn’t his advice for me to write more letters and that he only offered to help after I was already in that mess myself. It’s true that he made some mistakes along the way, but I know that he was trying to do the right thing. It’s a messy and complicated thing that happened, but I think that he and I are in a better place now.”

Alana smiled. “I’m guessing you talked to him recently then?” Evan smiled too. “I talked to him yesterday. He said a lot of stuff I didn’t expect him to say. I’m still having a little trouble believing it’s all real, if I’m being honest.” “If you’re worried, then try talking to him again. I’m sure he won’t mind. I’m really happy to hear that you two are friends again.”

Evan frowned a little. “You don’t think asking him again would make me pushy?” “Well, I’m not exactly an expert, but I think that it would just mean that you care. If there’s one thing I’ve learned recently, it’s that it’s not good to hide your emotions. If you’re worried about something, then talk to him about it.” Evan’s frown slowly turned into a smile. “Thanks Alana. I’m glad we talked today.” Alana smiled as well. “I’m glad we did too.”

“So does this mean we’re friends again too?” Evan asked curiously. “If you would take me back, then I would be honored!” Alana exclaimed. “Then it’s settled. Thank you for talking me today, my friend. I hope that this is the start of many conversations!” Alana laughed. “I promise, Evan!”

————

After finally saying goodbye to Evan, Alana laid back and smiled. That conversation had gone much better than she expected. She wondered what the next steps for her should be. Did she reach out to Jared next or make a post on the website herself?

Eventually she decided to start with the post. It sounded like Evan wanted to talk to Jared a bit more and she didn’t want to get in the way of that. Writing this post was not going to be easy, especially since she had to make sure to not spill Evan’s secret, but she knew that it was long overdue. 

————

After Evan hung up, he took a deep breath then immediately texted Jared asking if they could Skype again at some point. Ten minutes later they were both online and talking.

Evan told Jared all about his conversation with Alana and his concerns about the night before. “She’s right, you know. If you ever feel upset about anything, just call me. I don’t care how trivial you feel your worry is or how many times we’ve talked about it. I will always be here for you Evan! Always! I will never get tired of talking to you and I will never feel burdened by your feelings. You are such an important person to me and that will never change!” “Thank you, Jared. I hope you know I feel the same about you.”

The two of them talked for another twenty minutes before Jared heard the door to his dorm room unlock. Alex and his girlfriend entered together, laughing. Alex stopped immediately when he saw Jared talking to someone whom he assumed to be Evan on Skype. He went to usher his girlfriend out, but Jared stopped him before he could.

“Hey Alex, want to meet Evan before I find somewhere else to take this conversation?” Jared called out to him. “Oh! You don’t need to leave!” Alex quickly responded. He felt a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. “It looks like you guys could use some privacy. I’m going to go to the common room to wait for you, come find me when you’re ready.” Alex smiled at his girlfriend and kissed her before moving to sit beside Jared on his bed.

Evan examined the new face staring back at him. “So you must be the infamous Alex?” he finally asked with a mischievous smile. Alex looked down, uncomfortably. “Yeah, that’s me. I’m really sorry I posted that letter. It wasn’t my place to do so. I didn’t mean to hurt Jared nearly as badly as I did and I didn’t mean to drag you into this as well.” 

Alex expected Evan to get mad at him, but instead he just laughed. “I think I can see why Jared likes you. I have a feeling that you two are going to be great friends. Take good care of him for me, will you?” Alex laughed in surprise. “And I can see why Jared likes you. Tell you what, I’ll promise to take care of this loser for you, if you promise to stay in touch with him.” Evan grinned. “I was already planning on keeping contact, so that’s an easy term to agree to!”

Jared smiled at his two friends. “I love the enthusiasm and camaraderie, but don’t think I didn’t notice that you just called me a loser!” All three of them laughed. 

A few minutes later, Alex bid Jared and Evan goodbye. He said that he and his girlfriend would go do something else together for a few hours before coming back. Jared smiled happily as he watched him leave.

“I’m glad to see that things are working out better for you now,” Evan said once Alex had left. Jared nodded in agreement. “I thought he was just some party bro for months now, but it turns out Alex is actually a nice person. It gives me hope that maybe I can be a nice person too.” Evan smiled at his friend. “You already are a nice person, Jared. You’re never going to convince me otherwise.”

The two of them talked for another few hours. There were still things that weren’t totally better, but Evan was less worried about it now. After their first conversation, he was confused and after the second he was overwhelmed. But now Evan knew that he didn’t have to be completely okay; he just had to reach out whenever he wasn’t.


	13. Nicknames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jared reads Alana's post, the two of them finally talk to each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a crazy week, but as promised I have the rest of the work ready and just in time!

After Jared finished talking to Evan, he texted Alex that the room would be empty for a few hours, then made his way to get some nice and greasy food.

As he ate his pizza, Jared ventured back online to see how the public reaction was doing. Much to his surprise, it seemed to have shifted away from him and moved onto Alana. Navigating to the Connor Project page, Jared smiled a little sadly when he read what she had written.

**Hello all. I believe a formal statement regarding all letters related to the Connor Project is in order. The first thing I would like to say is that two of them were posted without permission.**

**One of these is the love letter that has been circulating online lately. As I was not involved in that one, it is not really my place to do more than wholeheartedly support what Evan has requested.**

**The other was Connor’s suicide letter. That one I shall take a stance in as I was the one who posted it despite being directly asked not to. At the time believed I was doing something good, but clearly I was wrong.**

**As it has been a while, I will not get into the details of what was said or reprimand anyone, but I do wish to formally apologize for my actions, something which the poster of the love letter has already done in a much more timely fashion.**

**Thank you all for your understanding and I apologize for my slow response. I have no excuse for my actions and I regret them deeply.**

**Thanks, Alana**

Jared barely finished reading the post before his phone started ringing. He winced a little when he noticed contact read “Black Barbie.” He was really going to have to change that. “Hey Alana,” he said as he answered the phone. “Hi Jared. Is this a good time to talk?” Jared looked around. The pizza place was pretty loud and it didn’t look like anyone would be paying much attention to him. “I think as long as it’s not about anything too personal, it’s fine. I’m in public right now, but I’m not with anyone.”

“Fair enough,” Alana responded. “Evan already told me that he told you that he told me the truth,” she continued, before realizing that her sentence barely made any sense. Jared chuckled. “I’m glad that Evan already told me that he was going to tell you that he told me that he told you, or else that would have made absolutely no sense to me!” Alana laughed back.

“I’m guessing you don’t mind that I know?” she asked. Jared thought about it for a moment. “I don’t mind as long as you don’t tell anyone. If you ever use that knowledge to hurt Evan, then please know that I will hunt you down and make sure you regret it.” Alana gulped. “Fair enough. I have no intention of ever hurting him again though.”

Jared sighed. “Yeah, I know. I was actually just reading your post.” “I don’t know what good it will actually do, but I felt like it needed to be said,” Alana admitted. “I don’t know if anything we can say will ever fix the mistakes of our past and there is certainly nothing we can say to remove all anger and cruelty from the internet. We just need to accept that these words are out there now and try to find a way to move on from there.”

“That’s surprisingly good advice, Jared,” Alana said with a smile. “I do have good ideas sometimes,” Jared grumbled. Alana stiffened. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just hadn’t really thought about things that way before, but once you said it, it made sense.” Jared sighed again and placed his head into his hands. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just a little sore from before.”

“Before?” Alana asked, clearly confused. “Back during the Connor Project, you and Evan never really let me do anything. Any time I tried to do something I was either shot down or told it was already taken care of. By the end of it, I felt like my entire purpose was just my subscription to some of the software used on the website and maybe a few lines of code. But I know that Evan wasn’t trying to make me feel that way, so I assume you probably weren’t either.”

Alana felt sick. “Of course I wasn’t, Jared! I honestly had no idea I made you feel that way. I’m sorry I did though. I didn’t mean to push you out of the Connor Project. I just became so obsessed with making sure things ran perfectly that I didn’t notice how my actions affected others. It’s the same reason why I posted the letter when I shouldn’t have. I just wanted it to succeed so badly that I completely lost sight of its real purpose. I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”

Jared smiled sadly. “It’s okay, Alana. I’m sorry I didn’t always take things seriously. Also, for the record, I’m sorry that your phone contact is currently Black Barbie. I’ll change it when I’m done here.” Alana snorted. “Black Barbie? What is that supposed to mean?” Jared winced. “It means that I thought you were a fake person who was annoyingly cheerful and trying way to hard to be good at everything. The black part just means that you’re black.”

Alana thought about it for a minute. “You know, I actually sort of like it. There are worse things I could be than a Barbie doll. You should leave it!” Jared snorted. “Okay, but just let it be stated for the record that you willing agreed to me calling you that!” “Duly noted,” Alana said, giggling. “Now I just need to come up with the perfect contact name for you!”

They spent the next fifteen minutes coming up with names for Jared before eventually settling on “the insanely sarcastic kinky memelord.” It was a bit of a compromise between some of the other names they had come up with, but they were both happy with the result. They then spent the next thirty minutes just catching up. As he hung up, Jared smiled at Alana's contact name. The insulting names on his phone were slowly turning more into affectionate ones.

He had just recently changed Evan’s name from “tree fucker” to the friendlier “tree boi” with Evan’s blessing. Alex was still currently “A-hole,” but he wouldn’t be surprised if Alex actually liked his name too. He would have to ask him later. For now though, Jared just sat out under the stars and though about how lucky he was to have in just a few days gone from zero to three friends. Even with his love letter still viral online, his life was finally starting to look up.

————

Talk of Jared’s love letter had reached Zoe, but she had tried her best not to get involved in it. After living through the backlash of Connor’s supposed suicide letter, she didn’t really want to find herself on the other end towards anyone. But now that the conversations had shifted to include Alana as well, it was hard not to be even more curious than before.

Zoe eventually found herself back on the Connor Project website. By the time she was finished reading the two most recent posts, she was in tears. For a few minutes she debated reaching out to Evan and Alana, but eventually she decided against it. She just wasn’t ready to talk to either of them yet.


	14. A La Mode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe goes to A La Mode where she spots Evan, Jared, and Alana.

A month and a half later, both Jared and Alana found themselves heading home for spring break. In the days leading up to the break, Jared was practically bouncing with excitement. Alex was pretty sure he had Jared’s entire break itinerary memorized from how many times he had talked to him about it. It was getting a little bit annoying, but the look on Jared’s face make it impossible for him to say anything.

When Jared finally arrived back in his hometown, he drove directly to Evan’s place, saving unpacking for later. He practically flew out of his car and to the door, excitedly ringing the doorbell over and over again like a child.

He was greeted by a rather amused looking Evan who was trying his best to look disapproving, but was completely losing out to his excitement. Without saying a word, Jared reached out and hugged him. A few seconds later, Evan happily returned the hug.

Alana arrived home the next day and soon found herself at Evan’s place as well. The three of them all happily hugged each other, then settled in for a movie. After the past month and a half of Skyping and texting, it was so nice to see everyone in person.

————

A few days later, Zoe was out enjoying her Spring break as well. Over the course of the past year and a half, Zoe’s definition of “enjoying” had changed somewhat, but at least right now she was able to just be alone with her own thoughts.

Grabbing her ice cream, she found a small table in the back and sat down. The store was a lot more crowded than usual and she wondered if it was due to spring break. She was pretty sure she saw some college aged kids in there with her.

The thought made her a little sad. If he were still alive, Connor would be back for spring break now. It wasn’t exactly that she missed him, but Zoe was learning to cope with Connor’s death and legacy in her own way.

Going to A La Mode was a helpful tool in that coping method. Zoe always liked ice cream, but now this place had more meaning to her. She liked to sit there alone and imagine what it would be like if she were there with a Connor who had managed to find help and get better.

As Zoe sat there, she heard some familiar voices. Much to her surprise, Evan, Jared, and Alana all made their way to a table a little bit away from hers. They didn’t seem to notice she was there, so Zoe simply watched and listened to them from a distance.

At first their conversation just seemed to be about Jared’s weird flavor preferences. She smiled a little despite herself at seeing Evan picking on Jared instead of the other way around. Both boys were smiling and laughing, so it all seemed very good natured.

Despite the warmth it gave her, seeing them like this also compounded her sadness. In the aftermath of the Connor Project, Evan had fallen out with all three of them, but now it appeared that he had patched his relationships with Jared and Alana, but not her.

Zoe wondered if Jared’s love letter and the posts on the Connor Project website had anything to do with it. She supposed it wasn’t fair to be jealous when she was the only one who hadn’t reached out to Evan.

Eventually she heard the conversation shift away from ice cream and onto the orchard. She felt her breath catch in her throat.

“Do you think you would ever want to go there?” Alana asked. Evan shook his head. “I don’t know if I really have the right to after everything I did.” “It’s a place of healing,” Alana insisted. “Of course you have the right to go there.” “Lana’s right, you know. If you want to go there you can,” Jared agreed. “Maybe one day.” Evan looked down and his friends let the conversation drop and shift back into something happier.

Zoe watched the three of them for the rest of the time they were there. Eventually they finished their ice cream, threw out their cups, and left. A few minutes later, Zoe looked down and noticed her own, untouched ice cream had completely melted. Sighing, she tossed the soup out and left as well.

She wasn’t really sure what to make of what she had just witnessed. Evan still seemed to be the same person she remembered from before, but he was a little more confident now. Jared and Alana also seemed to be much better friends for him than they had been before. Zoe wondered if she should start trying to repair her relationship with him as well. Oh well. Maybe one day.


	15. Maybe this time he won't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe finally meet in the orchard.

A few weeks later, Jared and Alana were back at school and Evan was back into the normal rhythm of classes and work. Well, mostly normal. Right now he was also worrying about meeting Zoe in the orchard.

After some gentle encouragement from both Jared and Alana, Evan eventually decided to reach out to her again. Much to his surprise, not only did Zoe agree to meet with him, but she requested they do it in the orchard.

So now here he was, wandering around and admiring the trees. It really was beautiful, but he still felt like an intruder. Evan jumped a little as a voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

————

Zoe had stood in hiding for a few minutes, watching as Evan took in the view. It was clear to her just how much he loved being out in nature. He just seemed to be in awe of everything. But now he was standing in awe of her and she suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

She knew that this was something she had to do. She had to face her fears and talk to Evan again the same way he needed to see the orchard. Neither of them would ever truly heal until they did that.

They made a little small talk about his decision to stay home from college before eventually cutting to the core of the matter. “I always imagine you and Connor here. Even though, obviously…” Zoe looked away.

She felt sort of silly doing this. She knew that Evan had never gone here with Connor. She was well aware that it was all just a fantasy, but at times it was so hard to wake up from it.

And as Evan held the phone out towards her, Zoe wondered if she really was just dreaming. Was it really possible that Connor actually had a real friend or was this just another lie? No. Evan wouldn’t lie about something like this. Not again.

Zoe felt herself trembling as she stared at the picture. “They look so happy together,” she whispered. Evan agreed with her and handed her Miguel’s number. “Thank you.” she whispered, looking down sadly at the number.

This wasn’t an easy thing to do. She wished that the pain between them could be erased. She knew that behind the lies, Evan was a kind person, but it just hurt her so much to even look at him. She wondered if one day she would able to truly forgive him and if this Miguel person would help with that.

They only exchanged a few more words before parting ways. Evan stayed behind in the orchard as Zoe made her way out. She had no intention of calling Miguel that night, but maybe soon.

————

That evening Evan spoke to both Alana and Jared about his meeting with Zoe. He wasn’t completely sure how it went, but he had to admit that it made him feel better. It felt like a bit of closure.

“I don’t know if closure is the right word for it,” Jared argued. “Why not?” Evan asked. “I don’t think that this will be the end. You gave Zoe another step in her recovery process and maybe opened the doors to restoring your own relationship with her.” “That would be nice,” Evan admitted.

“It would be,” Alana agreed. “And maybe one day when she is doing a little better, I can apologize to her face as well.” Jared thought about it for a few seconds. “Maybe this summer, when we are all home again. All five of us could meet up together and just start over. If there’s one thing I’ve learned lately, it’s that it’s not impossible. I never thought that Evan would even want to speak to me again after the way I treated him, yet here we are. Now it might just be because Evan is such an amazing person, but maybe humans as a whole are just capable of way more love than I ever imagined.”

It was a thought that Evan had been having lately as well. During the aftermath of the Connor Project, Evan has started to wonder if someone like him could ever really earn love or friendship. Even as he has started to slowly heal, there were still doubts plaguing his mind. Those doubts had by no means disappeared yet, but now there was hope as well.

When he stood in the orchard with Zoe and stared at the trees, Evan realized that he no longer imagined himself falling to the ground. Instead he saw some kid climbing up, all the way to the top. This was a place of self-acceptance and forgiveness he had slowly found for himself.

But as he sat there talking to Jared and Alana, Evan found the nameless, shapeless figure starting to take form. This Evan in his mind smiled as he reached the top. He would safely climb down eventually, but for now he was just up there enjoying the view and waving to his friends down below.


	16. Hot weather problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the summer, Jared and Evan realize something important about their relationship.

That summer, true to Jared’s word, the five of them did meet. It was an awkward and scary moment for everyone, but it was the start of something good.

Over the course of those three months, they slowly started to speak to each other more and more. They were not all friends yet by the time they all parted ways for college, but at least they were able to heal a few wounds.

Evan was more than a little scared to be going off to college on his own, but at least he now had people whom he could reach out to. He also had living proof that it was important to give his roommates a chance before he judged them.

Somewhere along the lines after the love letter incident, Jared found himself assimilated into Alex’s friend group. He now lived in a six person apartment along with Alex and four of his other new friends. Alex’s girlfriend, Lisa, didn’t officially live there, but she might as well have. She and Jared had become pretty good friends themselves, but he was completely certain that everyone now having their own room greatly assisted in that process.

Jared was quite proud of the current size of his close friend list. If he counted Zoe and Miguel in the list, which at the moment he still didn’t do, Jared had more good friends than fingers to count them with. Although he supposed Evan didn’t really fit on that list anymore.

There were still numerous times when Jared found himself wondering if it was all just a dream. A quick text to Evan would always clear that up though. And many times it was just enough to open his phone and admire their texting stream.

It was still littered with memes, tree pictures, and really weird conversations, but the number of hearts and kissy faces had significantly increased. So too had the usage of the phrase “I love you.” Even looking at Evan’s contact name filled Jared with joy.

————

It had been a particularly hot day that summer when Jared and Evan decided to head to the pool. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but after taking one look at a shirtless Evan, Jared knew that he had messed up. He thought that Evan would be mad, but he only laughed when he noticed Jared’s problem.

After running off to quickly take care of himself, a rather embarrassed Jared retuned to find Evan examining him closely. “I guess I still need to lose a little weight before I have abs like those,” Jared said with an embarrassed smile as he pointed towards Evan. “Only if by weight you mean muscle,” Evan countered, smiling as well. His face then grew serious.

“So you still feel the same way about me that you did back in February?” he asked quietly. Jared nodded. “I’m pretty sure that I’m always going to feel that way, Evan. But like I said before, I don’t need you to return those feelings.”

Evan frowned. “I feel like that’s an unhealthy behavior that I really shouldn’t be rewarding, but I’m afraid I’m not really in a position to stop it. Seeing you get all awkward and blushy around me left me with a weird tingly feeling. It's one I've been feeling more and more lately. If it's one that you still feel too, then maybe it’s time I finally start working on a response to that letter.”

————

A few weeks after their trip to the pool, Jared officially changed Evan’s contact name one more time. He smiled now every time he read “❤️best boyfriend ever! ❤️”. It wasn’t punny or clever, but it was by far his favorite contact name in his phone.


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year has come and gone since the Jared's letter was posted and it is Valentine's Day once more. How has his life changed in this past year and what lies in store for his future?

A few days before Valentine’s Day, Jared mailed out a letter with a sticker informing Evan not to open it until the 14th. The day of, he grinned as he opened his mailbox and found a similar letter of his own.

Excitedly, Jared kissed the envelope then held it close to his chest. He couldn’t wait to get back to his room and start reading it. Even though they had been dating for months already, the idea of getting a love letter from Evan still made him giddy.

And although Jared would once again be spending his Valentine’s day sitting in his room, he was no longer going to be spending it alone. Jumping onto his bed, he started setting up his computer for later. In just a few hours, Jared would be Skyping with Evan and he could hardly wait. Still bouncing with excitement, he tore open the envelope and pulled the letter out. His heart beat a mile a minute as he read it.

_Dear Jared Kleinman,_

_Once upon a time, you wrote to me saying you wished you had the courage to tell me in person how much I meant to you. Now many years later, I am writing to you saying I am glad that you found that courage and hope I can find it as well. Fortunately for me, whenever I am around you, I feel stronger than I do anywhere else in the world._

_I am looking forward to speaking with you tonight, but until then there is something I have sent over to Alex’s room you might find interesting. I ask you to go check it out once you have finished reading this letter. I love you always._

_Sincerely, me_

Confused and a little nervous, Jared made his way to Alex’s room and knocked on the door. After receiving no response and realizing the door was unlocked, he carefully made his way inside. There was a small box lying on the bed. Gulping, Jared made his way over and picked it up. Sure enough, the box was addressed to him.

Opening it up, he found a only single piece of paper with the words “turn around” written on it. Slowly, almost fearfully, Jared turned back towards the door. A figure once hidden in the shadows suddenly leapt out and tackled him down onto the bed.

Jared felt his heart stop for a second before grabbing the other person and pulling him close. It was only after fifteen minutes of tears and kisses that he remembered they were still on Alex’s bed.

Jared quickly smoothed the sheets out and sent an apology text to Alex. A few minutes later, he received a picture of Alex and Lisa kissing while each giving a thumbs up, but he was too busy kissing Evan on his own bed to notice it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hoped that you enjoyed this story. It took quite a wild ride from it’s initial conception to now! I just wanted to write something light and fluffy, but apparently I can’t do that!


End file.
